Little blue pills

This week, I was finally able to go see a doctor (SO grateful to have insurance again) and get these little blue pills (that I can't seem to get out of the packaging for the life of me):

The doc told me there is still a 2% chance of getting pregnant and it takes about 2 weeks of taking birth control for it to actually be effective. My worry? We are getting married in exactly 1 week (YAY YAY soo excited) and today is only my 4th day taking them. To boot, I keep hearing all these stories of people who got pregnant while on birth control. Even my mom got pregnant with Brandi while on birth control, then found out she was pregnant with me when she was going in to get her tubes tied. Ha!

Therefore, this means 2 in 100 women will get pregnant on birth control; that terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE children and I feel as though I have a niche for them and believe I'd be an incredible mom, but I am 22 years old. Despite being surrounded by a culture obsessed with starting a family at a young age, I feel as though I am far too young for children. I want to wait until we are financially ready to have a child and, call me selfish, but I want to enjoy the "honeymoon phase" together and have fun by ourselves while we're newlyweds! (Plus, I can live without gaining 40 pounds for awhile.)

I truly don't understand how so many people these days can sleep around and have meaningless sex with random people; doesn't the thought of having a child that they can't provide for scare them? Or even if they are in a relationship... Heck, I'll be a married adult with a college education, yet I feel like I'm nowhere near ready to be a parent. To each their own, I guess, but I still feel bad for all the babies being brought into the world without stability.  

Needless to say, if I end up pregnant on our honeymoon as a result of my first time having sex (that's just my kinda luck,) then I guess it's meant to be. But let's hope and pray that Levi's boys don't swim for at least 3 years and getting prego while on birth control doesn't run in the fam!

(I'm willing to put money down now to bet my first pregnancy will be twin, red-headed boys. That's karma for ya.)

Bridal Shower #2

Levi's mom and cousin, Michelle, threw a shower for me on Tuesday for all the ladies on Levi's side of the family. It was nice to meet some family members that I had never met before, as well as spend time with some that I already know. There were so many yummy treats so, of course, I had to fail on my diet, once again. No biggie. 


I received some cute and thoughtful gifts; I am so grateful for all the wonderful people in mine and Levi's lives! I got a big skillet, some cute handmade wall art with a yellow shelf, a Fry Daddy with potatoes, Crisco and season salt (can't wait to make some fries with Levi!) some hot pink patio chairs/table (to put Levi in "time out" ha ha; glad his family shared his 'pink chair' story with me,) kitchen towels with a colander, recipes and salsa bowls, bath towels and a table cloth, cookie sheets with hot pads and a cookie mix, a ceramic bowl for the bathroom, etc.My mom and sisters gave me a garbage can full of all the spices/condiments/all the things I wouldn't think of until I need them in order to make all my mom's yummy recipes. Tthankfully, for Christmas my mom gave me a recipe box with all her recipes. I can't wait to attempt to make them all, although I'm sure I'll never be able to make them taste as delicious as she does!


Here are some other pictures that I can't figure out how to format into the text on here, haha: 

Wedding Stress & Anxiety

My oh my, I never realized how much goes into planning a wedding! It doesn't help that we're having it at Noah's where we have to do EVERYTHING ourselves. Suuuuuper stressful. Knowing that I only have less than 2 and a half weeks until the wedding is freaking me out; there are still soo many little things to do. Examples of all that's on my mind right now:

My wedding sign-in book. Due to the company being impossible to order through, I barely got it ordered today along with some prints for frames. It won't be here until July 2nd or 3rd, IF I'm lucky. Now that adds to my anxiety that it won't be here in time. (I wasn't about to pay $50 for 2-day shipping.) Beautiful.

Then I still have to worry about getting music together, figuring out what song I want to walk down the aisle to, blah blah. Still have to worry about coordinating everything with the florist, the seemingly difficult decorator, the cake lady, etc. Not to mention I have to worry about making sure everyone's tuxes fit correctly since their measurements were all messed up. Mer Mer still has to finish the bridesmaids' skirts, so I'm stressed those won't be done in time or they won't fit (or won't look good with their body frames.)

I'm worried that all the colors won't match, I'm worried that I won't have anyone to marry us since I can't seem to get a hold of the officiant, I'm worried that my hair won't turn out the way I want it or that my makeup lady won't be available the day of my wedding and I'll have to get it done by some crappy person, I'm worried that my dress won't fit at all and I'll be incredibly uncomfortable the entire time/self-conscious about all my fat hanging over it, I'm worried that Tessa won't cooperate and she won't go down the aisle (she told me the other day that she doesn't want to be my flower girl anymore, then she said she would just dump the flowers at the beginning. TURD) or won't have her hair done by anyone (she cut her hair herself awhile ago an it still has yet to grow back/is out of control. Gotta love 4 year olds.)

I'm worried that we won't have enough ice cream to feed everyone if there are tons of little kids there... I'm worried about not knowing how to dance for our wedding dance, I'm worried that Levi still hasn't picked out a song to dance with his mom to, I'm worried that there won't be enough room in the patio for everyone, I'm worried that the flow of my reception won't work out since I'm not having a line (I don't want to bore everyone) or that I won't get to say hi to everyone and people will be offended if I don't acknowledge/talk to them. I'm worried that no one will even show up (since I have some freakin flaky friends) and I'll have wasted all of our parents' money. I'm worried that I'm putting our parents into debt by spending so much money on everything..

Then there's the wedding night. (TMI warning.) Of course, as a virgin, this terrifies me more than the actual wedding itself. I'm worried that my gigglin' fat won't look good in lingerie, I'm worried that it's going to hurt, I'm worried that I won't be good enough. Heck, I'm worried that I'll be too tired and won't even want to do anything in the first place. I'm worried that I won't enjoy anything, since I currently have the mindset that sex and the male genitalia are both disgusting...even though I'll be married, it still feels like it's wrong and taboo, as I've always considered it to be. I'm worried that I'll end up pregnant, since I don't have insurance to get birth control and we cannot by any means afford a baby right now, nor do I want one for a few years (call me selfish for wanting time for us, but I think I'm being smart by wanting to wait.) It'll be my luck that I get pregnant (with twin, fire crotch boys - karma will come back to me.) There are about 500 other things I'm worried about in regards to this, but I'll stop here..

Thennnn, the honeymoon. I'm worried that I won't have time to pack, that our luggage will get lost, that we won't have enough money to pay for anything in Mexico, or that I'll get raped by some crazy Mexican that loves blondes... I'm worried that it's going to rain the entire time, that I'll get sea sick, that I'll feel claustrophobic in the small stateroom, etc.

THEN...an entirely new chapter, moving out. I'm terrified about this almost as much as the wedding night, maybe more.  I've lived in the same house for 22 years; that's my ENTIRE LIFE. When Brandi got married and moved out and I moved from my room of 20 years into her room, I cried my eyes out the first night I slept in my new room...which is right next to my old one. Pathetic? Perhaps. I don't feel like I'm ready to move out. I don't want to leave my home, my dogs, my parents (yes, I'll miss them, even if they don't think I will.) I'll miss my mom's cooking, my mom cleaning up after me, coming home to my dogs greeting me at the door.. I'll miss not having to pay bills. I'm scared that Levi and I won't be able to afford our bills... Basically, growing up is soo SCARY to me!

I didn't mean for this to turn into a terrible LONG rant (maybe I should start writing in my journal instead of putting all my personal thoughts on blast for everyone to read, but I'm not a reallly personal person) but I a) type too fast and b) have a TON TON TON on my mind right now. I feel like I'm an emotional and moody mess right now, when this should be the happiest time of my life. I feel bad for everyone around me; sorry if I snap at you or seem like I have turned into BRIDEZILLA... Wedding panning takes the fun out of the whole reason behind the wedding. Instead of worrying so much about every little detail that most people probably won't even notice or remember, for that matter, I need to remember that July 7th is about marrying my best friend and starting our life together. That's all that matters, in the end. If things don't turn out the way I want them to, so be it. (At least that's what I need to tell myself, haha.)

I wish I could be one of those spontaneous people who goes with the flow, but that is NOT me whatsoever. I am an organized, super Type-A, perfectionist. I'm a worry wart, I overanalyze everything, and I'm incredibly detail oriented. While these qualities aren't necessarily bad traits 100% of the time, they are sure making life a million times more difficult and stressful for me right now. I'm looking forward to our honeymoon so I can hopefully get some sleep, instead of tossing and turning all night as a result of anxiety. (Kinda sad that I'm looking forward to sleep more than sex, but mehh..seems overrated to me, not gunna lie.)

Bachelorette Party

* Will add pictures later *

My wonderful, amazing friends threw me a bachelorette party on Friday, June 17th. I don't even know where to begin in describing how cute and creative everything was.  They really put so much effort into it, down to the last detail. It was "The Hangover" themed, one of my  fave movies and was truly incredible! First, my sister threw me an adorable bridal shower and now my friends did all of this; I really am so blessed to have such amazing family and friends! Thank you guys sooo much for all you do! I love you girls!

To start off the night, we met @ Charlie's house and they had made the cutest hospital bracelets and water bottle  covers that went along with the theme. Charlie gave me a gift with a bunch of pink bachelorette accessories, including a feather boa with plastic penises all over it, haha, an adorable sash and tiara, a penis ring pop (which I later dropped and broke, FML) with a cute pink bling and plenty of pink beads for me and everyone! OH and a huge penis straw; which was hard to suck from, haha! The smaller ones for everyone else were much easier!

Then, we went to a pole dancing class. Let me just say, I am in no way coordinated and could never be a stripper, but it was so so much fun! Not to mention a killer workout! There were muscles in my body hurting in the most random, odd places for days. I think I need to go back and take some more classes, even if I do suck at it! It was nice laughing at each other, even though Adelyn, Brooke and Mercedes are practically pros! I've always thought that Ad should be a stripper, haha! :)

After that, my sisters, Heidi and I went to grab some food @ Weinerschnitzel, which we thought went along perfectly w/ a bacherlorette party, haha. It was delicious. Then, we headed up to the Sheraton Hotel to meet up with the girls and change out of our sweaty clothes. They had the hotel room decorated sooo cute! From all my favorite treats, to pill bottles filled with "roofies" and just so many adorable details. I loved it!

I opened some presents and had a good time laughing about all the dirty stuff I got from Brandi, Candice, Annelee and Alisa. Everything from glow-in-the-dark condoms, a book on how to "Tickle His Pickle," body paints, candy "birth control," a cowgirl book on "better bucking" and everything in between. I also got a bottle of wine from Mercedes with some wine glasses to toast my new marriage, apartment and life - such a mature gift and creative, haha. I've never really drank wine so I guess I'll have to try it! Brooke gave me a practical gift with some flip flops, a towel, a first aid kid, and travel sunscreen/etc in a cute lil grey bag! Heidi gave me a gift card to Victoria Secret so I'll have to go check it out and find something cute. :)

After that, we all headed over to a club across the street called One. When we got there, all their TV's were playing The Hangover. Perfect! It was fun and got a little crazy haha; I felt like I was in Compton mixed with Jersey Shore. It was so nice to have so many wonderful girl friends there, some that I hadn't seen in forever, and I hope they all had fun!

Overall, it was such a fun night and more than I could have asked for. Charlie, Adelyn, Brooke and Mercedes really are the most amazing friends! It's funny to think that I didn't even meet these girls until my senior year of high school, yet they are the 4 girls that I keep in contact with the most from high school. I am so grateful to have them in my life! :)

Skinny = happy?

I was looking through some pics on my old laptop today, and I immediately wanted to cry. Growing up, practically everyone made fun of me for being "fat." In junior high and the beginning of high school, I always got made fun of for being albino, fat and ugly. Looking back at pictures from high school, though, I can't believe I actually believed any of those things. (Except, I WAS white...which lead to a tanning addiction to keep my peers from making fun of me.) I know I always act like I don't care what people think, but the truth is, I grew up worrying solely about  pleasing other people and worry about what they thought of me. Where did it get me? No where. So if you think I'm selfish and rude now, that's why.

Here I am, 4 years after graduating high school, and I weigh the most I've weighed in my ENTIRE life. I literally have a big, fat belly pudge hanging over my pants when I sit down and love handles rolling over. I have about 50 dimples/cellulite on my butt and thighs from them getting so big. Being that my genes don't exactly destine me to be thin, I am terrified that I'm letting myself go and that I'm going to be obese before I know it because it's "easier." I thought I was fat back then, but now I would do absolutely ANYTHING to look like that again. I try and try, but nothing I do seems to help make me lose weight.

When I think of the one time I was the absolute happiest, it was in August of 2008. During that summer, I was working my butt off exercising and eating healthier and lost 20 pounds in less than 3 months.(Side note: I did the exact same thing starting in January 2011 to try to get so skinny again, but I gained weight this time. My metabolism must not be as great anymore.)

This was the very first time in my life that I actually felt confident and people were complimenting me on how skinny I was. SKINNY? I had never been referred to as skinny in my entire life; it was amazing and I truly loved myself for the first time.  I let the scale define my happiness, but when you weigh 107 pounds, how can you NOT be happy and content? Yet after a few months of being skinny, everyone started to give me a hard time about it. I was still eating a lot, but worked out every single day, yet people had to make judgements and assume I was just doing it the lazy way by being anorexic.

My family gave me a hard time about it and even to this day, if I show Levi a pic of me during this time, he says I was too skinny and I looked sick. REALLY? Not only does society have to put so much pressure on girls to be thin, but once we ARE, it's still not good enough. In the words of Britney Spears, "I'm Mrs. she's too big, now she's too thin." It's so frustrating. Then, there are the people who are going to tell me to shut up because there are people who are genuinely obese, that they'd kill to look like me and therefore, I should be happy.

My entire life, I have worried about my weight because of what other people said about it. I have never been happy with myeslf, aside from the time I mentioned above. Now, not a day goes by that I don't look in the mirror and hate myself for what I look like. Why can't society push loving ourselves for who we are? (I've only heard of the Dove compaigns doing so.) Why do I have to be so hard on myself for gaining weight? I wish I had the confidence that some overweight women have; ya know, the women who can still wear tiny skirts, raidiate confidence, and make you feel like they love themselves and they think they are the hottest thing this side of the Mississippi, despite what the scale says.

I want to be happy with myself, but when I have a wedding in 2 1/2 weeks and I've gained so much weight, making my dress too freakin' tight, it's a little hard to be happy and love myself. When I have to have sex for the first time, with someone who's "been there, done that" and wear lingerie for the first time, it's hard to believe that I will look good enough compared to all the models/porn stars/etc that guys drool over. When I have to follow in the footsteps of 2 sisters who never work out and eat all the crap they want, yet never seem to gain weight...it's hard.

I am SO scared to have a daughter because I don't want her to have to go through the same torture I had to go through. I don't want to raise a daughter (or a son, for that matter) in a world that values being skinny more than loving yourself for your inner beauty, even if you weigh a few extra pounds. I don't want to be a hypocrit and teach my children to love themselves when I don't even love myself..

Bridal Shower

My sisters and mom put together an amazing shower for me that was held on Saturday, June 11th. It turned out sooo cute! They wouldn't let me in on any of the surprises and made me go away while they decorated. I can't believe how much work Brandi put in for the shower and the fortune she must have spent on it! She is so thoughtful and always puts so much effort into everything, even when I don't deserve it!

They put up some super cute decorations. I don't know if anyone else even noticed (expect Aunt Mary who gets so excited about everything, love her) but I thought they were adorable and I loved them!

I love my cute blocks I made and the cute flags my mom made! (And love Beej, haha.)

There was also a darrrling candy bar which I was super excited about! I wanted to have one @ my wedding but realized it was WAY too expensive, so it was wonderful to have this at my shower! (Even cuter in person!)

Next, they put together a quilt for everyone to tie, which was a pleasant surprise and will be a cute memento to have! Special thanks to Brandi, Candice and Seandia who probably did most of the tying! Aunt Teri made you guys pros! :) 

We played some games and my fave was one that Beej put together; it was crackin' me up. Brandi also asked Levi a bunch of questions and read the answers outloud to compare what I had said (yes - we do know each other/our history well) and she and I both started crying (see below.) I don't even know why, I guess just because Levi is a cheeseball!

Overall, I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I would be. I think after how naive I was at Brandi's shower and how bad Tiph's gifts were, I kinda expected it. And, of course, Tiph supplied lots of dirty gifts..enough lube to last a lifetime haha. Brandi supplied me with a good 5 years worth of condoms (I think she gave me about 13 or so, haha) and some cute lingerie! Hopefully Levi is a chubby chaser so he doesn't think I look TOO disgusting in the lingerie! (I'm terrified.) Beej gave me some fun love lotto tickets that I'm excited about to "cure the Wendover itch...with love" lol. I even got a penis cake...oh geez! 

It really was such an amazing shower and I am so grateful for all the fabulous people in my life! It was so nice that both my grandmas were able to come down for it! I got some great gifts (and lots of cleaning supplies, which I am still excited about, haha; guess I better learn to like cleaning/chores) that I am so thankful for! 

Now, I am excited for my bachelorette party tomorrow that Charlie is throwing me! :) Even if only a few people show up (I have some pretty flaky friends haha,) it'll still be a blast!  

Bridal Pics

I got my bridal pics taken the other day and man oh man, let me just say...I should have stuck to working out every day and eating healthy like I was @ the beginning of the year! My dress is too small! BLAH! :(

Nonetheless, it was a lot of fun taking pics and feeling like a "model" for a couple hours. But as Beej says, "my serious face needs some work." Either way, I think some of my pics turned out pretty awesome! My oldest sis, Candice, came along to help out and was a real trooper carrying all my crap around. I'm glad I have such helpful sisters, love 'em! It was good to spend some time with her! I can't wait to share my pics with everyone but for now, here's a sneak peek!

Officially graduated...

As I've been looking through childhood pictures, I came across this picture from my kindergarten graduation. It made me cry when I saw it because it honestly doesn't feel like it has been 16 years since I graduated from kindergarten. I still remember it as if it were only yesterday. I still remember kissing Chance behind the backpacks in our classroom, but part of me likes to think that didn't actually happen. Maybe it didn't. Heck, 16 years ago...who really knows.

To make me feel even older, it feels like high school just ended, too, but it's been 4 years now. It is hard to believe that my cheer years are long gone and so are most of the friendships I made. It's sad. I hate to be that annoying person who's stuck in high school, but in all honesty, I do miss it. I miss all my friends and all the fun memories I made in cheer. (Side note: NO part of me misses junior high. Those years can just be repressed in my memory, haha.)

Now, here I am...22 years old and I just graduated from college with my Bachelor's degree. It's hard to believe and still doesn't feel real. That makes me sad, too, to think that I'm done with school. I have always had a love-hate relationship with school. I loved learning but I hated school due to the fact that I wasn't popular growing up. I never missed a day of school in elementary, though, so I must have liked learning and getting straight A's enough to put up with all the cruel teasing from the other kids.

Graduating from college with my sister certainly was a special experience and I am so happy that we were able to share that day together. She has always been the most influential person in my life and I have always looked up to her more than she will ever know. She is such an intelligent woman and such an amazing role model. There have always been incredibly big shoes to fill as I've grown up and followed in her footsteps. I consider myself especially lucky to have her and go through this crazy life with her. I know she is going to accomplish countless, great things in her nursing career and I am so so proud of her!

I am happy that I can be a good example for my future children to follow as they grow up and will hopefully create big shoes to fill, as well. I sure hope that they will value education as much as I always have and will see the importance of higher education. I also hope that I can be a smart mommy and help them with all of their homework. :) 

To make things official, this bad boy finally came in the mail yesterday. Although each semester seemed to drag on and seemed never ending, those 4 years of college flew by. I was so excited to finish school that I didn't slow down and think about what I would be doing after school or what I even wanted to do with my life in the first; now, diploma in hand, I'm missing school and wishing I would have taken longer to "test the waters" and see what I'm good at or interested in. I guess part of that stems from my fear of growing up. Part of me doesn't want to get a full-time job, start paying bills, all that boring stuff. Then again, with this economy, I hope that I can even find a full-time job at all once I start looking.

Thankfully, the more responsible part of me realizes that I need to grow up and can't stay in college forever. Well, technically I could continue onto graduate school, but the realistic part of me knows that it's far too expensive and I am grateful for the education I have as it is. I can, however, continue to be a lifelong learner, whether it is formal education or not, and I can continue to always seek knowledge and grow.