Skinny = happy?

I was looking through some pics on my old laptop today, and I immediately wanted to cry. Growing up, practically everyone made fun of me for being "fat." In junior high and the beginning of high school, I always got made fun of for being albino, fat and ugly. Looking back at pictures from high school, though, I can't believe I actually believed any of those things. (Except, I WAS white...which lead to a tanning addiction to keep my peers from making fun of me.) I know I always act like I don't care what people think, but the truth is, I grew up worrying solely about  pleasing other people and worry about what they thought of me. Where did it get me? No where. So if you think I'm selfish and rude now, that's why.

Here I am, 4 years after graduating high school, and I weigh the most I've weighed in my ENTIRE life. I literally have a big, fat belly pudge hanging over my pants when I sit down and love handles rolling over. I have about 50 dimples/cellulite on my butt and thighs from them getting so big. Being that my genes don't exactly destine me to be thin, I am terrified that I'm letting myself go and that I'm going to be obese before I know it because it's "easier." I thought I was fat back then, but now I would do absolutely ANYTHING to look like that again. I try and try, but nothing I do seems to help make me lose weight.

When I think of the one time I was the absolute happiest, it was in August of 2008. During that summer, I was working my butt off exercising and eating healthier and lost 20 pounds in less than 3 months.(Side note: I did the exact same thing starting in January 2011 to try to get so skinny again, but I gained weight this time. My metabolism must not be as great anymore.)

This was the very first time in my life that I actually felt confident and people were complimenting me on how skinny I was. SKINNY? I had never been referred to as skinny in my entire life; it was amazing and I truly loved myself for the first time.  I let the scale define my happiness, but when you weigh 107 pounds, how can you NOT be happy and content? Yet after a few months of being skinny, everyone started to give me a hard time about it. I was still eating a lot, but worked out every single day, yet people had to make judgements and assume I was just doing it the lazy way by being anorexic.

My family gave me a hard time about it and even to this day, if I show Levi a pic of me during this time, he says I was too skinny and I looked sick. REALLY? Not only does society have to put so much pressure on girls to be thin, but once we ARE, it's still not good enough. In the words of Britney Spears, "I'm Mrs. she's too big, now she's too thin." It's so frustrating. Then, there are the people who are going to tell me to shut up because there are people who are genuinely obese, that they'd kill to look like me and therefore, I should be happy.

My entire life, I have worried about my weight because of what other people said about it. I have never been happy with myeslf, aside from the time I mentioned above. Now, not a day goes by that I don't look in the mirror and hate myself for what I look like. Why can't society push loving ourselves for who we are? (I've only heard of the Dove compaigns doing so.) Why do I have to be so hard on myself for gaining weight? I wish I had the confidence that some overweight women have; ya know, the women who can still wear tiny skirts, raidiate confidence, and make you feel like they love themselves and they think they are the hottest thing this side of the Mississippi, despite what the scale says.

I want to be happy with myself, but when I have a wedding in 2 1/2 weeks and I've gained so much weight, making my dress too freakin' tight, it's a little hard to be happy and love myself. When I have to have sex for the first time, with someone who's "been there, done that" and wear lingerie for the first time, it's hard to believe that I will look good enough compared to all the models/porn stars/etc that guys drool over. When I have to follow in the footsteps of 2 sisters who never work out and eat all the crap they want, yet never seem to gain weight...it's hard.

I am SO scared to have a daughter because I don't want her to have to go through the same torture I had to go through. I don't want to raise a daughter (or a son, for that matter) in a world that values being skinny more than loving yourself for your inner beauty, even if you weigh a few extra pounds. I don't want to be a hypocrit and teach my children to love themselves when I don't even love myself..